How Obscure Can You Make Nutritional Information?

A Crashed Pips Exclusive

I dislike McDonald’s. The last time I went I wasn’t off the toilet for weeks. That was around three years ago.

So, with some spare time on my hands earlier today, I decided to find out if the quality of the food and the service had improved in any way (last time I was asked by someone ‘you ea’in i ear?’) by taking myself down to my local McDonald’s.

(Yes, shock horror! Some investigative journalism from this website! You are not hallucinating.)

The trip there was uneventful, apart from seeing some lunatic bump into someone else’s car, causing a mini-traffic jam on the High Street while they filled out each other’s insurance details.

Before I went in, I had some business to settle. This is mainly because I was worried that I might suffer a heart attack after eating the food. Mercifully I did not, although I would like to know what on Earth McDonald’s is doing selling alcohol.

I went in, queued, paid my money for a large portion of fries, six chicken McNuggets (!) and a large Coca-Cola. I was offered a free Coke glass, which was nice. The lady who served me was very kind and friendly, and actually seemed to speak proper English.

Before I was served, I scoured the restaurant looking for nutritional information. There was absolutely no obvious information on the walls or posters. I checked the leaflets – nothing.

I was minorly annoyed to say the least, but I was served the food and took it out of the restaurant.

The fries were OK – this time they actually tasted like they consisted mostly of potatoes. Which is more than can be said of the nuggets. UGH! They tasted like the sort of stuff that a dentist uses to make a mould of your mouth. It tasted utterly McDisgusting.

(I sort-of wished I had had the McHeart attack so that the torture would end.)

The paper cup of Coca-Cola I was given seemed to have some kind of quantum warp at the bottom – it was 500ml. 500ml is a lot – that’s around half the size of a bottle of Coke you’d get from a supermarket. UGH! By the time I’d finished I felt like I’d put on four stone in thirty minutes. (I’m quite a skinny person by nature, so that’s a lot.)

After finishing the food, I finally managed to find the nutritional information. But only just.

Yes, that is the nutritional information. On the back of the packet of fries. And it seems that they’ve resorted to heiroglyphs.

Even if you follow the website links, there’s no actual reference to what the symbols mean. It seems only to apply to adult women, and also only applies to the fries. What about the nuggets and the Coke? No mention whatsoever.

So, has McDonald’s improved? Let me put it like this in two McLists.

What I McLike about McDonald’s

1. You get a free Coke glass (even if it is a little small).
2. The lady who served me was very nice and courteous.
3. Can’t think of any more.

What I McHate about McDonald’s

1. It’s a McRipoff. I could have got something more substantial from the baker’s down the road for around three quarters of the price.
2. You can’t look at any of the McNotices in the McWindows without people inside thinking you’re a McLunatic.
3. It makes you feel McBloated afterwards.
4. You need the Rosetta McStone to understand the nutrition information.
5. Two of the fries were shaped like McWalruses’ tusks.
6. Their ‘chicken’ (ha!) nuggets taste worse than McCardboard.
7. They’re trying to censor the dictionary. (You can’t rewrite the past…)
8. I would type more, but my browser would crash.
9. So there.

The Coke glass I got for free with it looks quite good though.

So McDonald’s has improved, but only marginally. And I still want to know what a dial with a value of 59 grammes is meant to represent.